Faith durring the Hard Times

I've been hesitating to tell this story... I'm not sure if it's out of embarrassment or just trying to keep up appearances. I've decided it's a matter of continual faith and being thankful for blessings that I should share.

Looking at life from the outside is never how it really is. There are many families that seem to live a charmed life. What I don't know is that they too may be struggling with silent heartache,while everyone on the outside is coveting their apparent ease. Ironic, don't you think?

The whole blogging thing has kept me good about writing in a journal. The downside to a live audience is that certain frustrations, hard times and personal mistakes are purposefully omitted unlike a private journal. Privately, at least no one could criticize me for any of it until after I were dead. I doubt I'll care by then.

So, here goes...

In 2004 Michael left Lowe's to do construction full time. He got his contractor's license and was supporting our family doing various projects. For the last four years we've always made it. It was tight sometimes, but we did it somehow. We found out the hard way that the construction industry is fine tuned to the economy. Before anyone else even realizes anything is wrong we were feeling the pinch.

Michael had finished up a big construction job in December of 2007. Since contracting does not provide a regular paycheck I've learned to juggle and budget very carefully. We started out the new year with a considerable cushion. I figured we would be fine until he won another bid. Going from bid to bid and job to job is a careful balancing act, kinda like stepping stones across a big river.

We wanted to put bids out on some of the larger municipal jobs. However, cities required the contractor had experience AS the contractor. It was more complicated because bonds were required to cover the full amount of the bid. The only way to get experience as the primary was to bring in a partner with experience. It works kind of like a relay race I suppose, passing the experience baton. We had a hard time finding anyone who was willing to follow through on their initial enthusiasm.

Michael spent a lot of time putting bids together. We noticed that the larger companies were coming down into lower job brackets to bid. The bigger projects were getting sparse and the construction giants started underbidding little companies like ours. We couldn't compete. As the months into the new year pressed forward and no new jobs were coming I started to get nervous. That was about March.

Based on our monthly budget I knew we would run totally out of money by June 1st. I was pregnant with #4 who was due in July. We paid for our own health insurance. If we defaulted and couldn't pay the monthly premium I would be left in my ninth month without health insurance and a pre-existing condition. That would be either very expensive at the hospital or very dangerous at home by myself.

In April I found comfort in listening to General Conference. Elder Sheldon F. Child gave a talk entitled, "The Best Investment". In it he quoted President Heber J. Grant, “I want to say to you, if you will be honest with the Lord, paying your tithing and keeping His commandments, He will not only bless you with the light and inspiration of His Holy Spirit, but you will be blessed in dollars and cents; you will be enabled to pay your debts, and the Lord will pour out temporal blessings upon you in great abundance.”

I grabbed onto that like a life preserver. Hallelujah! I can pay my debts! I made sure paying tithing was the very first thing as little side jobs and our oil change business helped extend our cushion out.

April was also the point of no return. Four months of bidding without winning a single job, no leads or referrals. It was time to throw in the towel and look for steady income with an employer. Michael started putting out resumes.

I have a four year degree in a highly technical field. Even though I've been out of it for a while we knew it was more likely that I could get a job before he did. I went looking online, sent out my resume and found someone who asked for an interview within a week... and in our own hometown. I felt like this was my perfect opportunity. I went to the interview ready with my stack of references. I walked in with my six month pregnant belly and I could see it on his face. He made up his mind. He couldn't say that of course, not without facing a potential lawsuit. But his body language gave it away. He did everything in his power to prove that I couldn't to do the job. He said that I should brush up and come back another time. I asked for the weekend to brush up. He said to give it a few months. Right. Have the baby, then we'll talk. I gotcha.

I cried all the way home. I was angry, frustrated, embarrassed, and most of all worried about what the next few months would bring. I was willing and able to work. I worked with Ethan up until 2 weeks before he was born. At the same time I knew that being pregnant was my greatest liability for an employer.

The choice was to either :

1. Go on as usual and pay all of our bills and creditors on time and run out of money just in time to have the baby.

OR

2. Set just enough money aside to pay the health insurance till the baby came which meant other bills would be left unpaid and our credit would be sacrificed.

For some the choice may be obviously #2. For me it was a matter of, "Do I have enough faith to choose #1?" If I went with the safe option #2, I would essentially be telling God, "I don't REALLY believe you, so I'm going to handle this myself". We would recover financially having failed a test of faith. Paying tithing was not the issue. It never was. However, if I went with #2 and God came through like He promised, all of our interest rates would have already been jacked up to 29.99%. Too late.

If I went with option #1 I would be exercising overwhelming faith. However, if the Lord's promise didn't work how I, in my human frailties, thought it would, we could be facing hundred thousand dollar doctor bills and have to declare bankruptcy for sure.

At the beginning of May, Michael still didn't have a job and I couldn't get one. Door #1 vs. Door #2 kept swirling through my mind. Over and over and over... I only have enough to choose one. If I choose the wrong one it will devastate our family for years and in different, but significant ways. I was full of so much anxiety. I handle the finances and I felt the decision squarely on my shoulders. The question was driving me crazy and considering either option made me very depressed.

The first Sunday in May I had reached my breaking point. My time to choose what to do was up. Pay the bills or set money aside? I couldn't function anymore. We got to church and I couldn't face anyone. I asked Michael to take me home. I laid in bed and cried, totally overwhelmed.

Michael came home to talk to me. He told me the kids were still at church in their primary classes but were worried about me. The floodgates opened and I cried to him and told him everything that had been weighing on my mind. I resented being pregnant because I couldn't get a job and simultaneously hated myself for being resentful of my innocent baby. How come we keep working so hard and it seems like we're always just scraping by? Why does it feel like I'm being pushed to the edge? I hadn't told him of the choice and how much it had been torturing me until just then. It all came out.

I told him of the promise I'd heard during General Conference about paying tithing and being able to pay the bills. At that point he made the decision for our family, "Pay the bills as usual."

I blinked at him through my tears. I can live with that.

He convinced me to come back to church with him for the last half hour. I tried to clean myself up as much as possible, but I think my eyes were raw from crying. I'm the secretary in the Primary Presidency. When Debbie, the Primary President, saw me she asked if everything was alright. I told her that if I talked about it I'd loose it for sure. So long as I didn't have to talk about it, I could keep my composure.

She invited our family to dinner that night. It was...amazing! Debbie's husband Scott had cooked the venison that he got on a hunting trip in Utah for dinner. Debbie made homemade rolls, stir fried vegetables and steamed broccoli. But best of all we were with welcoming friends. It was so nice to have my burdens lifted by someone who was willing to hold them, not knowing what they even were.

Meadow and her children came to dinner too. The house was full that evening. After dinner I sat down at the piano and started playing hymns. Meadow sat next to me and sang. She has one of the most beautiful voices (which, incidentally, is why we asked her to sing at Daddy's funeral). We sang together the different harmonies. Be Still my Soul, Abide with me, Be Thou Humble, How Great Thou Art, I Need Thee Every Hour. Music filled the house. Sunday evening has never been so peaceful for me. I couldn't say that I was full of joy as others might have been, but I was greatly comforted and felt God's love. That was on May 4th. By May 15th Michael had been offered a full time job with Swinerton with a salary that did, in fact, cover all our bills. Our health insurance kicked in on July 1st, just in time to cover the children's dental appointments that I had made six months earlier. Garrett was born two weeks later.

There is no doubt whatsoever, for either one of us that God worked through and inspired good people in getting the job with Swinerton. It was an enormous blessing.

Despite all that's happened and the happy ending for that chapter in our life, I wonder why we have to go through this trial again so soon. Perhaps it's because Michael made the decision for me when I could not. Only God knows.

There was an incident on Michael's job site where someone got hurt. Michael used his law enforcement experience in handling several aspects of the investigation. Keeping cool, following protocol. Through evidence he found and witness interviews he determined conclusively that the man injured was lying about what really happened. That's good, because none of the safety protocol had failed. However, despite Michael's stellar performance and handling the incident, the customer's upper division lost 2% of their bonus and wanted blood. Michael was the fall guy. That didn't mean that he was fired from Swinerton, just that the customer didn't want him on their job site anymore.

Swinerton looked everywhere for another job to put him on. Michael has an amazing ability with people and a strong work ethic and Swinerton wanted to keep him. With the market slowdown, no new jobs were lined up and they were even loosing contracts due to lack of funding. They tried to get him into the sister company. Ironically they hired Michael's brother instead. A week went by with Michael at home while Swinerton scrambled looking for somewhere else to put him. Eventually they had to lay him off because there was no work. His boss came to the house to give him his last paycheck and a small severance. He told me that everyone felt just awful about what happened. One of the VP's at Swinerton went out of his way and called a colleague in the industry to recommend Michael for one of their jobs and gave him a stellar reference. Michael had an initial phone interview, but that hasn't really gone anywhere.

There are only a few big construction companies to apply to. He spent the first week submitting resumes.

Since then Michael has been using the time to study for the CHST. Once he has the certification many more doors will open up. I've been helping him with the math and science aspects of the study material. I'm grateful that I have that ability. I'm grateful I have been able to explain it in a way that he'll get it. He's got a better mind for memorization than I do which is great for that endless list of OSHA regulations.

Tithing is still first as we get money trickling in from the oil changes or other odd jobs. I'll keep paying the bills on time. I'm not falling apart at the seems like last time, but it'll be interesting to see how things play out and what God has in store for us. Each time it gets a little bit better.